How to Internets 101

Absence

2007-03-18T21:07:16Z

Before I explain my mysterious disappearance, I would like to address an important issue here in the blogosphere, which I will represent as a small park with a cloudy little pond in the middle of it on a sunny day. Picture yourself sitting by the banks of the blogosphere's shallow waters, trying to follow the shadowed movements of the sunfish swimming in the shallows, and the sneaky kingfisher on the branch above you, waiting to dive and pluck one up. I'm not sure what the kingfisher represents. Or the fish. Maybe they're you; maybe they're not.

In the world of blogs, there is a hierarchy . Down at the bottom, if you use an old stick to dig around the sand and muck at the bottom, you uncover silly, self-indulgent blogs like this one that have no readers, no followers, nobody to notice if you're gone. Nobody really knows about them unless they go poking around for them, and when they find them, they can pick them up in their hands and examine it a moment, and then toss it back into the water. Somewhere in the middle, scurrying around in the bushes, you have the political blogs that they like to talk about on NPR, where amateur pundits wax unpoetical on the political goings-on that the newspapers see as either minutia, or not dramatic enough to print. They serve their purpose, don't get me wrong, but that's not the part of the internet I dig on. You see, when you cup your hand over your eyes to shelter them from the sun, and look way up at the top of the blogosphere, you have things like The Show w/ Ze Frank.

Today is the end of an era. Or the beginning. Or maybe the past year was a little mini-era, and we're now continuing the era that preceded it. What I mean is that today is the first day of the rest of our lives with no Show. We knew from the beginning that this was a one year deal. The promise was that there would be a show every weekday for one year, and then we'd say goodbye. I know I pretended that day wasn't going to come, and I'm sure a lot of you did, as well. But now that it's here, it leaves me feeling bittersweet. I can look back with fondness, I can re-watch the shows that meant the most to me, but I can also look forward to what comes next. A whole community of Sports Racers was born this year, and I just know that there are tons of us itching to carry the torch and take collaborative creativity to the next step. And we hope Ze will be with us, now a peer among his disciples.

Anyway, to explain my absence, you may choose from this list of excuses:
1. I was abducted by aliens.
2. My keyboard was on strike.
3. I was suspended from the internets.
4. The sock puppets who usually write this blog were in the laundry.
5. I was napping.

The truth, though, is that I'm just regrouping and figuring out if there's something I actually want to do in this blog, or whether I am going to continue to blather on to myself like a crazy person. The subjects I can opine on at length are generally not very interesting to other people, I'm afraid. I can talk about television and movies, but nobody wants other people's opinions on those kinds of things. I would attempt to joke about politics, but there are so many who do it so much better than I. Don't worry, imaginary people, I will find something. Until then, enjoy some random sporadic crap.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Oscar Fever!

2007-02-26T01:09:18Z

Tonight is the 79th Annual Academy Awards ceremony, and this blog would be remiss if it did not stick its nose in along with every other blog in the world.

The most important category every year is, of course, Best Picture; and who better to discuss some of the films nominated for this honor, and others, than someone who hasn't seen a single one of them (that would be me)?

Dear Yuko, Wish you were here. Love, Iwo

In "Letters from Iwo Jima," Clint Eastwood plays the title character, a Japanese soldier in World War II, whose love of correspondence is only matched by his love for his country. Through his haunting letters sent back home to his loved ones, we are treated to the most unique of perspectives -- that of the warrior poet -- one of literature's most touching dramatic icons.The climax of this tragic story comes when Iwo learns he will be flying a kamikaze mission, and must find a way to tell his family in friends, via the prose of a single letter, that they will never be seeing him again. This film is sure to be a favorite of the Academy for its big name producers, its heart-wrenching tale, and its cunning use of subtitles.

The Enchanting Land of Eng

Another contender for Best Picture is "The Queen," a storybook fantasy adventure set in the imaginary land of Eng (or "England"). A beautiful princess has died tragically in a chariot race, and all of Eng is saddened deeply. It is up to the stoic Queen of Eng to break a maddening curse placed on the Englandian people by the evil wizard Blair, and to restore the country to its former glory. The breathtaking special effects, the enchanting imaginary creatures, and the pure-hearted love of the Englandian people for their royal family captured the love of "The Queen's" audience, and will be sure to captivate the Academy's, as well.

Olive takes on the world!

In a Hollywood increasingly filled with dark, violent, and sexual imagery, "Little Miss Sunsine," is a lone bright spot (pun intended!). This fun, family romp takes both parent and child alike on the ride of their life, as they follow Olive, daughter of the Sun God Ra, through a mystic adventure taken from the pages of the Necronomicon itself. When Olive discovers that she is not truly mortal, but the reincarnation of Sekhmet, an ancient and powerful Goddess, she must take her entire family with her to the shores of the Nile, where she must perform a blood sacrifice at the top of a pyramid dedicated to her true father, Amon-Ra. Along the way, she and her family meet with challenges and obstacles nobody could have predicted, and must learn to love each other for who they truly are before the Great Falcon Re-Horakhty can take his revenge. This light-hearted frolic of a film is not likely to win the nomination (you know how the Jews Who Run Hollywood feel about the ancient Egyptians), but its recommended viewing for all!

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Okay, I lied about Presidents' Week.

2007-02-21T23:18:08Z

This blog would like to render an official apology to all of the imaginary readers out there that kept checking the site for updates yesterday. I had some very important business to attend to that involved my bed and an alternate state of consciousness (namely, sleep). In addition, I will most likely not be updating tomorrow, either, as I am having surgery to have all three of my impacted wisdom teeth removed from my skull. If there is a post tomorrow, it will probably not be about the presidents so much as unintelligible gibbering. My apologies in advance.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Happy Presidents' Day

2007-02-19T21:58:41Z

On this, the solemn occasion of Presidents' Day, this blog thought it would take time from its busy schedule of finding GREAT DEALS ON VARIOUS CONSUMER PRODUCTS SUCH AS CARS AND MATTRESSES!!! BECAUSE THIS BLOG DESERVES AMAZING SAVINGS!!! to take a well-deserved look at some of our country's lesser-known presidents, who have served this country so well, and require acknowledgment, on this the day our Constitution has set aside to remember the leaders of this great nation. Every day this week will be devoted to a different, under-appreciated president.
I should note, however, that because of all the time the FANTASTIC SALES have taken from our day, this blog was unable to thoroughly research this post, so it's mostly coming from memory. Nonetheless, please enjoy.

William Henry Harrison: No discussion of the prestigious office of President of the United States of America (POTUS for short, although that sounds like a badger breaking wind) would be complete without the inclusion of President Harrison, our ninth, and perhaps least distinguished president.
A congressman, first governor of the Indiana territory, senator, and war hero, everyone knows this son of a proud political family (read: filthy rich) as the famous "Tippecanoe." Did you know, however, that Harrison's first bid for the presidency was unsuccessful? Van Buren gave him a sound thrashing in the election of 1836, but not to be squelched, he won by a landslide in 1840.

Our oldest president, if it weren't for that damned Ronald Reagan and his magic elixir.

    The 19th century is known as a period in American politics rife with biting humor and sleazy negative campaigns. The Democrats sneered condescendingly as they referred to William as "Granny Harrison, the petticoat general," because he resigned from the army before the War of 1812 was at an end. Zing! And get this; the answer to the question of whether Harrison should be elected was said to be, "No Sirrah!" (Get it? Because that's 'Harrison' backwards. I bet those 19th century Democrats had a field day with anagrams, too.) When all was said and done, though, William Henry Harrison took office as our ninth POTUS (excuse me) in 1841.
    Unfortunately, he died in office thirty days later. I'm sure you are familiar with the old wives' tale about his refusal to wear an overcoat while delivering his two-hour inaugural address in the freezing cold and wind, thereby exacerbating a cold which led to pneumonia and septicemia. Anyone who has read about this yarn, however, would know how ridiculous it sounds -- his doctors supposedly treated him with opium and snakes. Can you imagine someone actually believing that ridiculous account?
    The truth, of course, is much more mundane. Today's historians now know that it was Tecumseh, that fierce leader of the Shawnee Indian tribe, that placed a dreadful curse on ol' Tippecanoe. The curse made it so every president elected in a year ending in zero would die before his term was up. The deaths of Lincoln, Harding, McKinley, Roosevelt, and Kennedy all belie (or should I say betruth) this sad fact, and if it weren't for Ronald Reagan's foray into the black arts and witchcraft, his life, too, would have been cut tragically short by the Curse of Tecumseh.

Stay tuned! Tomorrow we will discuss yet another fabulous POTUS (it was the dog this time). If you would like to request a president, please take advantage of our handy-dandy comments section below.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Urine Trouble, and Other Unoriginal Puns

2007-02-16T22:18:50Z

Urinal cakes in New Mexico are talking. If you were a urinal cake, what would you say? I doubt it would be anything akin to the messages delivered by those manufactured by Healthquest Technologies, Inc. The Santa Fe deodorizers are helpful, polite, even cheery reminders not to get behind the wheel if you've had one too many.
There are many problems with this innovation of lavatorial technology, least of which is that they used a woman's voice. Were I a urinal cake, I would be neither polite nor cheery. In fact, I would be downright grumpy. Imagine a job that entails having drunk losers pee all over your face every day; would you enjoy it? Not unless you're Paris Hilton. (zing!)
We went to the street and asked some everyday urinals just like you what they would say to a potential drunk driver obliging them of their services. Here are some of the answers we got:

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

News Round-Up Rodeo #1

2007-02-15T23:01:50Z

Every week, we here at How to Internets (or HtI for the savvy insiders) will attempt to bring to you the news of the world condensed into a fun, easy-to-read, and completely uninformative capsule. We now present our first installment of the News Round-Up Rodeo. Yee-haw.

China and Lithuania are collaborating this week to earn the coveted HtI "Silliest Foreign Country" award, having together created some sort of strange tourism scam involving ants and cannibalism. They are calling their creation "antibalism," and according to our Seekrit Overseas Sources (heretofore known as SOS), it will involve giant ants dueling to the death in some sort of arena, the winner having the honor of consuming his opponent with fava beans and a nice chianti.

If they kiss, it will be gross, scientists say.

Anyone wondering why the scientific community has yet to produce a cure for cancer will be pleased to know it is because they have been concentrating on studying some equally confusing conundrums of our time. For instance, in a stunning breakthrough that may well change the way society as we know it operates, scientists at UC Santa Barbara have discovered that it's icky to get it on with your sibling. In an equally breathtaking display of academic adeptness, Spherion Corp. has funded a study that came to the conclusion that dating within the workplace can be complicated, frequently leading to problems. Word on the street is that an underground government research project on the effects of dating your sibling in the workplace is in progress, with results to be published within the next three years.

Our intrepid Irony Correspondent, currently working undercover as a reporter, has sent in the following dispatch:
"It seems someone -- most likely another valiant warrior in our crusade for irony -- has broken into the John's Grill restaurant in San Francisco, CA and stolen a replica of the Maltese Falcon statue from the classic 1941 movie of the same name. As you may know, the movie is about a statue called the Maltese Falcon, believed to be made of gold, that is stolen and then discovered to be a mere replica. If the replica of the replica is not recovered despite the hefty reward being offered for its return, the restaurant that bills itself as the "Home of the Maltese Falcon" will be forced to produce a replica of the replica of the replica. This reporter believes that if that statue were to be stolen, the universe may implode into a singularity and then violently explode into a cheaply made replica of itself."

And finally in the Round-Up, a Mexican man has discovered several 110 million year-old dinosaur prints along the banks of a dried-up riverbed in central Mexico. Even more exciting for the scientific community, however, was the

The Battle of Ka-Boom

discovery of several Mexican-man prints by a dinosaur in southern Texas. The fact that the footprints appear to be made in the last century have astounded dinosaur scientists, as dinosaurs believed Mexicans to have gone extinct some 20,000 years ago. "We blame this misapprehension on the liberal media bias," said a dinosaur spokesman for StegoCo., a conservative think tank that promotes the viewpoint of Idiotic Design, the belief that a divine power created man and dinosaurs concurrently as an experiment in "awesomeness," and that the Great Battle of Ka-Boom, an all-out war between man and dinosaur that was waged thousands of years ago, wiped out many of the more awesome species of humans, such as the pirate, ninja, Mexican, and sassy robot maid.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend