News Round-Up Rodeo #1

Every week, we here at How to Internets (or HtI for the savvy insiders) will attempt to bring to you the news of the world condensed into a fun, easy-to-read, and completely uninformative capsule. We now present our first installment of the News Round-Up Rodeo. Yee-haw.

China and Lithuania are collaborating this week to earn the coveted HtI "Silliest Foreign Country" award, having together created some sort of strange tourism scam involving ants and cannibalism. They are calling their creation "antibalism," and according to our Seekrit Overseas Sources (heretofore known as SOS), it will involve giant ants dueling to the death in some sort of arena, the winner having the honor of consuming his opponent with fava beans and a nice chianti.

Anyone wondering why the scientific community has yet to produce a cure for cancer will be pleased to know it is because they have been concentrating on studying some equally confusing conundrums of our time. For instance, in a stunning breakthrough that may well change the way society as we know it operates, scientists at UC Santa Barbara have discovered that it's icky to get it on with your sibling. In an equally breathtaking display of academic adeptness,  Spherion Corp. has funded a study that came to the conclusion that dating within the workplace can be complicated, frequently leading to problems. Word on the street is that an underground government research project on the effects of dating your sibling in the workplace is in progress, with results to be published within the next three years.

Our intrepid Irony Correspondent, currently working undercover as a reporter, has sent in the following dispatch:
         "It seems someone -- most likely another valiant warrior in our crusade for irony -- has broken into the John's Grill restaurant in San Francisco, CA and stolen a replica of the Maltese Falcon statue from the classic 1941 movie of the same name. As you may know, the movie is about a statue called the Maltese Falcon, believed to be made of gold, that is stolen and then discovered to be a mere replica. If the replica of the replica is not recovered despite the hefty reward being offered for its return, the restaurant that bills itself as the "Home of the Maltese Falcon" will be forced to produce a replica of the replica of the replica. This reporter believes that if that statue were to be stolen, the universe may implode into a singularity and then violently explode into a cheaply made replica of itself."

And finally in the Round-Up, a Mexican man has discovered several 110 million year-old dinosaur prints along the banks of a dried-up riverbed in central Mexico. Even more exciting for the scientific community, however, was the

discovery of several Mexican-man prints by a dinosaur in southern Texas. The fact that the footprints appear to be made in the last century have astounded dinosaur scientists, as dinosaurs believed Mexicans to have gone extinct some 20,000 years ago. "We blame this misapprehension on the liberal media bias," said a dinosaur spokesman for StegoCo., a conservative think tank that promotes the viewpoint of Idiotic Design, the belief that a divine power created man and dinosaurs concurrently as an experiment in "awesomeness,"  and that the Great Battle of Ka-Boom, an all-out war between man and dinosaur that was waged thousands of years ago, wiped out many of the more awesome species of humans, such as the pirate, ninja, Mexican, and sassy robot maid.